How to cook a pig

Warning for you vegans out there — it doesn’t end well for the pig…

A few weekends ago… we threw ourselves a farewell party. But not the typical grill-chicken-on-the-dock farewell party. No no, we went to the woods and cooked a pig.

Our good friends Christy and Jason recently shifted from 8 years living and cruising aboard Hello World (it’s for sale! you should buy it!) to owning a tractor and ‘dozing trees on their 10 acre property on Vashon Island. We took advantage of our newly minted landlubber friends and their 10 acres of secluded woods to Throw Down.

“Do you know how to cook a pig?” we were asked, again and again. “No.” Is the short answer (and the long one, actually).

So in an effort to pay it forward, in case you ever want to host a pig roast at Christy and Jason’s  your friend’s place…. here is…

How to Cook a Pig.

Research how to build your own spit using metal rods, spikes, a bicycle chain and a lot of bailing wire.

Rent a spit for $125 and call it a day.

Then, in no particular order: purchase a whole pig, preferably from a nice home that raised the pig well, with just the right amount of discipline and watermelon rind treats. Invite all your friends, but don’t give them too much notice otherwise they might forget about it and not show up. Buy snacks. Pick up a keg, but make sure when you go get it that you don’t actually have room for it in your car. Just to keep up the excitement.

Have Jason your friend chop a metric sh*t ton of wood and move lots of cinder blocks around with his tractor.

Put the pig in the bucket of the tractor, because it’s a good excuse to drive around in the tractor with a pig in the bucket. Ice the pig overnight.

Wake up at 5am for party day! Start the primer fires and ram the rod through the pig (sorry, but it’s gotta happen). Head scratching is encouraged here, as you attempt to decipher how to secure the pig to the spit. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Turn on the fancy electric spit rotator – it works! It breaks. Fix the fancy electric spit rotator (may or may not require three trips to town).

Baste the pig for the first of about 30 times, and watch with pride as it spins over the fire.

8:07am: tap the keg, you deserve it.

Spend the next 8 hours stoking the fire, basting the pig, drinking the beer, and taking the naps.

Hoist the pig onto a table and literally take a whack at it. This was John’s favorite step. I think he may have entered a meditative zone as he chopped apart the pig.

EAT! Holey moley there’s nothing tastier.

The party, as you can imagine, was a blast. The community we have built here is tenacious, enthusiastic and so loving. Thank you to all that trekked through the ferry lines to hang out with us. And another huge shout out to Christy and Jason for all of their time, for sharing their home and for tolerance of this outlandish idea.

All things Man: Keg, tractor, fire, pig.

Oh, and one follow up tip — you may want to consider wearing clothes you then don’t mind burning… 3 rounds in the washing machine and 2 days in the sun – the smoke smell is just starting to fade.